Where did ration go…
By nutcase101. Filed in Future, Love, Pleas of Desperation, Random Thoughts, The unknown, family |
It’s been three weeks.
Everyday I think about the phone call letting me know. The sound of my sister’s voice trying to remain calm but with the tenor of knowing she had to deliver bad news to me.
And when I speak to my mom, from the five minutes after finding out to yesterday, knowing that my mother’s heart is permanently cracked by not being ready for her mother’s passing and her memory fractured for not being ready to find her mother passed away. There is no super glue or apoxy of words that will make my mother feel like life is normal again for a while, if ever.
Then the times when I laugh, harder than ever before I feel guilt like no other. Thinking that this too will come to an end one day and I don’t know when that day will be. Tomorrow, ten years, fifty. And on Tuesday, I face a friend who lost her husband of only a few years suddenly, only a few days after my own loss. The emotions that course through me become incredibly real with fact of unknown attached. That’s when all things that I know are rational go out the window and my thoughts and pulse race.
I know that as days pass and the sting of loss fades, I won’t be as neurotic as the day before but until I come to a balance with this loss, I accept that I won’t be what I use to be. I never will. And that my actions may not be logical and eye ball leakage may occur on a moments notice, even when I seem to have been blissfully happy moments before.
My only desire at this moment is to be together enough for those around me who need a bit of strength to cope with their new lives. And knowing that when I start to crumble that my own rock is there to give me something to rest upon.
Monday, October 12th 2009 at 9:48 am |
Grief is so horrible when you’re in its grip. I don’t know when it gets easier, or even if it ever does. I know some people are terrified of death for their whole lives, but for most of us that panic and guilt that comes along with grief gradually recesses into the back of your mind. I don’t really know of any comforting words to give you right now, except that you are deeply cared for by so many people, and when you ache, we all ache along with you. I’m sure the same is true for your grandma. Her life is so highly valued, even after her passing, through your family and friend’s grief and remembrances. Give yourself time, and if you think you need it, give yourself the gift of joining a grief management group. Either way, give yourself a warm internet hug from me.